Okay, more about me and where I’m at right now. I feel quite deflated, feeling that I mishandled that event yesterday with the Muso guy. On reflection, my enthusiasm to share ideas with him probably came across as criticisms (I told him I wouldn’t have had the speaker on the floor like he did to get more bottom end, I told him why I had my preamp set up differently to his etc), and I don’t recall if I asked before I picked up his bass guitar. Unfortunately sometimes the simplest of politenesses escapes me. I probably just picked up his bass to examine the differences to mine (same brand and make, slightly different in other ways). I was so focussed on checking out the differences, I didn’t think to ask. I wouldn’t blame him for being a little put out that I hadn’t asked permission. And he had seemed a little unsettled, so I don’t think it was my imagination (but my imagination is very fertile indeed!)
Now that’s not enough in itself. What else is going on? A client sent me an email questioning something I had told him, and although I was able to give him a positive response I realised I had previously given him misinformation – hence his questioning, and it’s NOT the first time this has happened with him, or with other clients. It feels like my job is getting harder with so many things to potentially get wrong, or is it just that I’m not paying enough attention? I fear the latter. The upshot of all that is that I want my clients to be able to rely on me, but if I’m regularly having to correct myself to them that hardly instils confidence that I’m the right one to be looking after their finances.
Then, speaking with my daughter on Skype last night she laughingly referred to an event when she was 6, where I took her in a canoe down the river, she got wet from the water in the bottom of the boat and was thoroughly miserable, and then to top it off I pulled over to one side and took what seemed to her to be ages to swing out of a tree and into the river (numerous times). She simply mentioned it to explain that it took her ages to come to like being in a canoe again.
Well, me in my already agitated state from yesterday, immediately felt awful that I could have been so obtuse not to notice her misery and worse still to leave her in the boat while I went off to swing out of trees! I’m sure she was safe, but it sounds like it was all about me, instead of looking after her.
There, that about sums it up. Add those together and I am suffering a heavier than usual bout of being down on myself and feeling pretty miserable. I’m hoping that writing this helps me to clear my head (always looking for solutions!), and I think it actually is. Pretty boring reading for you, though, if you’ve even managed to get this far.
The reality is, those things that I feel bad about did happen, and I have a right to be upset or concerned about them, but the issue is always “by how much”? I’d like to think I will learn from them, and I probably will to some small extent. But feeling good about myself is never easy. So I’ll struggle for a while, eventually get on top of it and then (unfortunately) something else will snowball and I’ll get down again. At least I know that I will feel better, even if not for very long.
So is any of this blogging helping me to find my creative self? Way too early to tell. But I tell you what, if I ever get down to writing any songs, these blogs will give me loads of ideas for lyrics, and I reckon that’s a good thing.